cthia wrote:I fear I didn't make myself clear - attribute it to my lack of mastery of my own native language.
Do I disagree that a parent can raise an only child to be perfectly happy, well adjusted, mentally and emotionally? Of course not.
However, does anyone disagree that that same child, successfully raised with several other just as well raised kids of the same state of mind might have experienced even more joy? And would have even more to look forward to? Or do you not think you can raise more than one successfully?
I once said that one happy kid makes one happy kid. But two happy kids makes six happy kids - there's one happy kid plus one happy kid plus both together times two. It's the exponential equation of the shared bonds of love.
SWM wrote:I think it is possible to raise more than one successfully. But I also think that the key in whether you raise them successfully is in the parents, not in whether you give the child siblings.
(
Do forgive the length of this post, hopefully accomplished with the needs of the child in mind as is my intent.)
Exactly! Which is totally half of the ingredients to the love potion I was trying to make. There should be
no fear that a second sibling is going to become a demon seed because a parent's
love and quality time can raise both of them well, atop Plymouth rock. And I'm not just considering raising them
successfully but with as full a life as a complete family promises. Shall we stand on that rock...
A family is not totally complete with a single child.
No, it isn't.
Not from the perspective of either parent
or child. The parents cannot watch the child
ren play but only the child. The child can only play with himself and his toys.
An "only" will never experience the sheer joy of pushing his sister in a wagon. He will never know the sheer joy in the selfless act of learning to
push and
not to pull - of seeing the wind blow through his sister's hair and her hair blowing in the wind - and the sheer unfathomable enjoyment of feeling her learning while trying to manage to steer... and hearing the thrill of excitement in her voice doesn't even compare to witnessing the sheer joy of it all
on her face and her
immense and contagious laughter.
The immensity of the wealth of pleasure
earned in the sharing of her joy of
her steering and not just of her riding is unforgettable and priceless! Made possible only at the one profound moment when his sister humbly asks...
"But let me steer this time Johnny. Please?"
And for a moment Johnny's world stops and he pauses... never having considered - but now looking down into the wagon which contains those eyes that shine with the pleading and the hope, he feels the steering column of the wagon in his hand loosen, remembering his own joys of steering and realizes he
wants as much as he
must share that experience with his sister. He gladly gives her the reins and moves to the rear of that little red wagon with a renewed mission to give his little sister the ride of her life. But first...
"Just a minute sis while I go and collect the rails ok?" Because he realizes that this time he's carrying valuable and dainty cargo - unlike pushing a brother. His parents witnessing the entire ordeal from the window after Johnny has caught their attention blowing past them inside with the rails in tow, bolting for the door to the outside where his sister awaits, like his hair is on fire. And with tears of shared joy at the loving spectacle, they quickly retire to their bedroom to burn off some of the intense joyous emotions of having kid
s.
Johnny has learned an invaluable concept and the moment those reins touch her hands her eyes light up with the sense of the coming adventure, of marvel, of wonder, but more profoundly with renewed respect and love for her brother from whom she has just felt the measure of love. The wagon's reins are as a magic wand which turns into a chariot of fire fueled by love.
It makes the now superman of a brother go faster and faster and faster spurred on by the inciting sounds of his sister's excitement growing louder and louder and louder. And when it is done, the reward of a sister's love and the awe seen in her eyes washing over the both of them and that momentous impact imparted on the brother that he can cause his sister joy, shared in her eyes as well - until they can't wait to do it again and again and again, over and over, day after day after day. (It almost sounds sexual this natural naïve intimacy between a brother and a sister doesn't it?) Yet is as natural as it is pure.
How many brothers out there have these exact same very fond memories, sisters as well? Or big brothers and younger ones? I nod my head to you in shared recognition. Family is the first place that a boy can learn that he can have a friendly relationship with a girl and grow profoundly from the invaluable merits of that encounter.
"Go outside and play little Johnny." Now little Johnny is outside of the castle, drawbridge closed - a lonely knight whose armor would shine with a sibling - another knight. One of my sisters once told me while she was in college that the thing she missed the most was the family dinners at night with all of the family. She said that for her and her sisters, there was King Arthur and his Queen who both loved them very much, but their brothers were always the knights at the roundtable. There is nothing like the days news of the village being passed around in friendly fashion at the round table and the accompanying conversations. Even if our table was long instead of round, it was far from "square." I knew exactly what my sister meant.
There's nothing like two brothers with gloves throwing a baseball. They love it so much that the parents has to force them to come inside after dark just as playing catch with a football. Learning what he can do because his brother can do it. The comparing of notes and the banter long after the lights are out in the realm of the brothers and across the marvelous yonder the same is happening in the realm of the sisters where the walls inbetween - the bridges to Sharabithia - are echoing these marvelous sounds between both camps.
The parents, if both are present, have each other as peers, as ever present companion. The lonely only has neither. A parent has a built-in equal as a friend - it is what comes with marriage. Not so for the lonely only. Yet a family is supposed to have a built-in friend for the child as well. YOU are not a child's friend. You are not a child's companion. You are his parent. The truth of PARENTHOOD and its realities! Trying to be a child's friend is a
grandiose mistake. I see that mistake made in Hollywood all of the time. Lindsay Lohan's parents getting high with her at clubs - trying to be a cool friend rather than a parent has probably resulted in one of my favorite child stars becoming emotionally bankrupt.
I just cannot understand why a parent would give a child a cake without icing. Philosophically - even so that a child doesn't know that the cake is missing the icing -
it is. It can still be enjoyed - but rather dryly - without the milk - the milk of human kindness in a parent's thoughts of companionship for the child, alone in the wild when the drawbridge of the King and Queen closes for the night.
Two parents = 1 + 1 and no one in the family wants the
s to grow silent. Yet the equation for a lonely only is born silent. Let the child grow into children - into child
s. The s represents the
sound of children playing. You've added a child - now multiply.
If no one is in the forest when a tree falls does anyone hear?
If a companion child is not present in the forest does the family still hear the need?
They are not arbitrarily referred to as the lonely only.
There exists a bond between parent and parent - a link.
There should also exist a bond between sibling and sibling - yet a powerful link is missing.
More Rites Of Passage:
Watching your sister jump as high as she can for hours because she's a late bloomer and because someone told her it will help her get her period. Then having to apologize later because you laughed - not knowing how copernican it is for her. Onlies are cheated. They may not think they are. You may not think they are. But they never truly experience the big picture, the
full picture, the inherent meaning of family - and getting a bird's-eye view when it is their turn to ride
on the stork rather than
in it.
I remember the joy of riding on the shoulders of my oldest brother. He was so tall and I thought I could touch the clouds. As I grew, I instinctively passed that feeling on to younger or smaller siblings and enjoyed their same reaction of joy. The melodious song of two or more girls giggling. The smell in the house of girly shampoo, lotions, perfume. A sister commandeering your t-shirts as pajamas because they're more comfortable than their silk robes. Sisters handing down and borrowing clothing. Playing dress-up. Having a live doll to play with. Girlish boy-giggle sounds the same on all girls' lips but in your own household it is uncensored and raw.
Never knowing the joy of breaking the single remaining chocolate chip cookie and sharing with a sibling. Or sharing the last remaining bread making two sandwiches out of the last two slices instead of one. The memory of playing fort with my brothers with many chairs in the playroom and sheets and blankets spread across them making caves. Waking up having fallen asleep after hours of playing. Seeing the eyes of your sister as she is allowed entrance into the fort for the first time. A homemade playhouse.
A sibling is a companion tagging along to help investigate life in the wild. It is the lessened fear and anxiety of attending a new school because a sibling has already broken that ground and hallowed those halls and paved the way for you. Don't you remember all of this from your own childhood? Then how can you shield
your own child from it? I just don't get it.
Who among you shall be my keeper after my parents are gone for I have no brother.
I heard my best friend's mother once say, "He's an only child but at least he was breastfed."
I'll leave you to analyze that one on your own.
****** *
There are so many occasions where Honor would have benefited from a sister or brother. She would have known how to put on makeup long ago. The relationship with any siblings would not have impeded her bond with Nimitz or vice versa. I challenge you to not be able to recognize the many moments when Honor would have loved having a sibling.
