Self proclaimed one-liners

For a girl you're interested in, you pick up the check.
For a girl not interested in you, you pick up the waitress.

Of course I haven't had too much to drink officer. You really think you'd have to ask if I had?

Heard about a guy that got a ticket for riding a horse while drunk. Told the judge that the charges should be dismissed because the horse was sober.

Complex questions never have simple answers. Hell, most simple questions don't have simple answers.

SCO is trying to collect rent on a house they don't own, from people who never lived in it.

Any day above ground is a good one.

That would be almost as much use as bailing out the Titanic with a shot glass.

It takes two to make a fight

It takes two to make peace. It only takes one to make war.

If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that somebody with a gun is breaking into your house, they will send two cops in ten or fifteen minutes. If you tell them that somebody is breaking into your house and YOU have a gun, they will send ten or fifteen cops in two minutes.

How can politicians call their runaway government spending "investment"? Because "flushing your tax money down a rat-hole" just wouldn't play well?

The mosquitoes around here only carry off a few small children a year. Accounts of them carrying off adults are just shamelessly exaggerated tall tales, and sensible people pay no attention to them.

Irony: falling off a chair while putting up an OSHA safety notice

You can't really call it a lawn, but all the weeds are trimmed to the same height.

Hard work and sacrifice pays off at some indefinite time in the future. Laziness pays off today.

Everybody denies it's a conspiracy -- that proves it IS one!

It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it lots of times!

Bullshit is still bullshit no matter how many times it gets quoted.

Deja Moo: that funny feeling that you've heard the same bullshit before.

"The early bird gets the worm" just proves that:

1. The worm should have stayed in bed.
2. The early bird still has to eat worms.

"Playing" the stock market is like running through a combination obstacle course and minefield backwards.

Imaginos1892 wrote:

Heard about a guy that got a ticket for riding a horse while drunk. Told the judge that the charges should be dismissed because the horse was sober.

Complex questions never have simple answers. Hell, most simple questions don't have simple answers.

11 years ago, a company called SCO tried to sue every Linux user in the world by falsely claiming that A) Linux contained millions of lines of code "stolen" from Unix, and B) SCO owned Unix. Both of these were eventually proven to be, well, porkies. I said:

SCO is trying to collect rent on a house they don't own, from people who never lived in it.

Any day above ground is a good one.

That would be almost as much use as bailing out the Titanic with a shot glass.

Many years ago, I would sometimes get sent to the principal's office for fighting. When I attempted to point out that the other boy started it and I had only defended myself, I'd get served with that tired old line:

It takes two to make a fight

At the time, I was unable to effectively articulate my objections to that asinine assertion, but now I have the perfect answer:

It takes two to make peace. It only takes one to make war.

If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that somebody with a gun is breaking into your house, they will send two cops in ten or fifteen minutes. If you tell them that somebody is breaking into your house and YOU have a gun, they will send ten or fifteen cops in two minutes.

How can politicians call their runaway government spending "investment"? Because "flushing your tax money down a rat-hole" just wouldn't play well?

The mosquitoes around here only carry off a few small children a year. Accounts of them carrying off adults are just shamelessly exaggerated tall tales, and sensible people pay no attention to them.

Irony: falling off a chair while putting up an OSHA safety notice

You can't really call it a lawn, but all the weeds are trimmed to the same height.

Everybody denies it's a conspiracy -- that proves it IS one!

It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it lots of times!

Bullshit is still bullshit no matter how many times it gets quoted.

Deja Moo: that funny feeling that you've heard the same bullshit before.

"The early bird gets the worm" just proves that:

1. The worm should have stayed in bed.
2. The early bird still has to eat worms.

"Playing" the stock market is like running through a combination obstacle course and minefield backwards.

Of course dog is man's best friend. Man is always hanging out in the doghouse.

I will only consider a tall guy because most of the guys I meet are dumber than tree bark and I want one whose head is far away from the trunk.

cthia wrote:My 12 yr-old niece

I will only consider a tall guy because most of the guys I meet are dumber than tree bark and I want one whose head is far away from the trunk.

cthia wrote:

Of course dog is man's best friend. Man is always hanging out in the doghouse.

cthia wrote:

Of course dog is man's best friend. Man is always hanging out in the doghouse.

Imaginos1892 wrote:
Some of them hang out in the cathouse.

If you dream you're at work, can you claim it as overtime?

What if you solve a work-related problem in your dream - and the solution still works after you wake up?