cthia wrote:cthia wrote:As far as acting like an adult Monster, please don't say that. She objects to it. She says that it isn't fair or correct to say that she is acting like an adult simply because she acts...classy, composed, confident. Poised. People improperly attribute her high IQ to maturity. Now I know what you mean and I know that you don't intend offense. She's just...sensitive in that area because some people use it as a defense when losing discussions to her.TheMonster wrote:
I'm not using the word "act" in the sense of "pretend to be", but in the literal meaning of her actions being considered adult behavior rather than childlike.
She should not object to that, because (based on your descriptions) it's the truth. She has to learn to deal with the fact that people are going to get their wires crossed up with her, and she's going to spend a lot of time and effort getting them uncrossed. If she gets upset because of the mere use of the word "acting" without making an attempt to know what people mean by it, then she's making the situation worse, not better.
And even though it's bound to sound unfair, the responsibility for dealing with all of this falls squarely on her. She's the one asking people to handle something different from that for which their experience has prepared them. By now, she should be used to this, and ready for it.
Tell her this is coming from someone who started college full time a few days after turning 16 (with a few credits earned earlier than that), who knows what it's like to be the youngest person in the room.
She's very adamant about this. And believe you me, my sister and I were once right where you are now. So I do understand your angle. But you are wrong. Just like my sister and I were wrong. She sat us both down and explained to us how she felt. I'll attempt to explain it to you without the impact of her pleading eyes and mannerisms. Sis and I got it. It clicked.
She understands that people get their wires crossed. To help, she even wears makeup only at formal functions. But once knowledge is acquired that she is only twelve she wants to be acknowledged as such. Instead of "she's acting like an adult" (in the sense that you mean it), why can't it be (her exact words) "She is exhibiting the characteristics of a studious twelve year old." To her it implies that it is beyond the ability of a twelve year old to be studious, and by relation the characteristics of a studious person can only be found in an adult. She once asked my sister "why can't I be judged as a twelve year old? Why do I have to move up in weight limit like I'm a prize fighter?" She says it's a limitation of adults, not her. She acknowledges that it is because of our lack of experience with a studious twelve year old that trips adults up. But because "studious twelve year old" isn't on the form, adults can't just check "adult." She once told me that she felt like treecats. Which puzzled me.
"Adults have a problem accepting that I'm an intelligent "12 year old species." Therefore they dismiss it outright and reason that it must be adult.
I always felt that there was even more to it so I asked it of her. She told me she couldn't explain it, but that she only knew it was important. Until one day, "take your daughter to work day." I took my niece, she wanted to see my lab. All day long she remained with me. I never saw her so happy. They all loved her and currently threaten me if I don't bring her back. My boss has a Star Trek 2D chess board and a 3D board in his office. He's an advanced Trekkie. She taught him how to play 3D chess simultaneously beating up on him in 2D chess. The entire office was fighting for time with her.
At the end of the day she talked to me before bedtime. She told me she now knows what bothers her so much. It was very profound. I have to paraphrase. It knocked me back on my heels. It brings tears to my eyes even now.
Again, paraphrased "Uncle, everyone at your job accepted me. Even after they realized how smart I am they still treated me like a twelve year old, just a smart one. They didn't feel threatened. Most adults feel immediately threatened, and conversations quickly take a confrontational turn. Conversations always feel like a contest so I never get the enjoyment that I know is lurking. If only adults can relax. It happens so much I recognize the exact moment. Adults' expressions change. They shore up their defenses and begin launchimg ICBM's at me. I asked your boss and your colleagues why they are so relaxed with me. Your boss said 'It is because I don't fear you honey, I know I'm smarter than everyone my age!'
She laughed so hard at that recollection. So too did I. It is one reason I still work there. I don't need the money. I love my work. I love the people.
"I just like to talk to professionals Uncle, but I don't want to always be entered into an intellectual sparring match. It's as if adults feel that if they don't show they are intellectually superior, that they'll lose their license or something."
She had to hug me after that talk. Don't withhold her 12 year old blue ribbon accomplishments away from her unless she claims adult-like actions. She's just a studious 12 year old.
Hi Cthia,
I have to admit as I have been reading this thread I have found myself far more fascinated by your description of your niece than by the debate at hand.
Just having read what you have posted I confess that I worry a little bit for your niece. I find her description of the paradigm that she finds herself in impressively accurate when she says,
Most adults feel immediately threatened, and conversations quickly take a confrontational turn. Conversations always feel like a contest so I never get the enjoyment that I know is lurking. If only adults can relax. It happens so much I recognize the exact moment. Adults' expressions change. They shore up their defenses and begin launchimg ICBM's at me.
The problem is that she is being required to play a game for which she does not understand the rules. It is most decidedly not fair. Unfortunately, this is the part where we get to insert all the trite quotes about "life isn't fair." Quite frankly, often it is heartbreakingly unfair. Everyone from the child with the IQ of 85 to the child with the deformed feet and so on faces similar unfairness in life. Most curses can be a blessing, and most blessings (like your niece's incredible intellect) can also be a curse. In the end you have to play the hand that you are dealt and the only thing you can control is how you play them.
Of course, I am speaking from 29 years of experience living in the body of the child with the deformed feet. Certainly when I was twelve being on the receiving end of the mockery of my peers was just as puzzling to me as being on the receiving end of those adult "ICBM's" is to your niece.
If I could be so bold as to offer advice to a total stranger on the forums regarding a person about whom I know precious little in the grand scheme of things, I'm sure you will take whatever I have to say with the grain of salt it so richly merits. That being said, might I suggest that perhaps helping her grow up in this area, in which, it seems she is still very much a 12 year old, would be one of the greatest services you and those who love her most can offer her? From her acute descriptions of the way adults interact with her she its clearly a keen observer, she just needs to put those observational skills and her gift for analysis to work learning how to play social chess. It really is something that can be learned, I've even managed to pick up a few moves myself and I can hardly tell a horse from a castle-thing much less recognize a 'Queen's gambit.' To keep with the theme I'll offer a couple of points of strategy as well as some tactics (loosely oh-so-loosely defined you understand)

Strategy Point 1: Just because I can defeat someone in an argument doesn't always mean I am right.
Unfortunately in my experience being intelligent doesn't affect a human being's incredible talent for self-deception in the least. What it does tend to do, however, is make us much better at fending off other people's attempts to show us where we went wrong and validate our own wrongheadedness.
Tactic: Cultivate deep friendships with people who love and care about you: especially people who aren't as 'smart' as you. Learn to trust them when they tell you you are wrong, even if they can't win the argument.
Strategy Point 2: Recognize people who are not very secure in who they are and do your best to avoid triggering that insecurity. Again, not fair and sometimes unavoidable but sometimes very avoidable. The gentleman she demolished in physics and chess at the tender age of 10 is not the sort of person she is going to be able to have an "interesting" conversation with: it will always end in ICBM's. Conversely, people like your co-workers are the sorts of people she will want to spend her time around. Quite frankly this will be true whether she is 12 or 20 or 70. Granted the fact that she is a child puts a little finer point on the embarrassment knife, but my guess is that he would have made a donkey out of himself regardless of her age. Conversely I would guess that your coworkers treat other adults with the same respect that they showed her.
Tactics:
-Ask LOTS of questions.
-Talk less.
-Learn to recognize the early signs of escalation.
-Learn how to gracefully disengage from conversations: its OFTEN better to concede a point than it is to let things escalate into a nukefest, even if you aren't wrong.
-Learn to ACT like a 12 year old. Quite literally acting, there are some scenarios in which a "studious twelve year old" simply cannot peacefully coexist. (This is perhaps another way of agreeing with Monster when he says that she is essentially wanting to be both and she can't).
In the meantime, you give her that hug, because sometimes life sucks and you just need a hug from a person who unreservedly loves you.
Anyway, those are just a few things I've picked up in the school of hard knocks. I'm sure you have bumped into many of them yourself and you sound like the type of person who is both wise and caring enough to want to share those things with your niece. As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, I feel presumptuous offering such advice to you, but much like The Monster, I've lived through being in the social "freak of nature" category (for different reasons) and if even a little bit of what I had to say might be helpful I felt compelled to at least put it out there.