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Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

Join us in talking discussing all things Honor, including (but not limited to) tactics, favorite characters, and book discussions.
Cthia's Greatest Holiday Hits
Post by cthia   » Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:07 am

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

************Honor at the Bat*************
by cthia

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Home Fleet ships that day;
The score stood four to two with but two more fleets to play;
And then when D'Orville died up first and Kuzak did the same
A sickly silence fell on most the ships that had remain'd.
A straggling few rose up to fight but only in despair,
They knew they'd only die, in haughty grandeur there.
Clinging to their stations, hope eternal in the breast;
All we need is Sally — Mander she's our best.
They thought, if only Honor could get but a whack at that,
They'd put up even credits now, with Honor at the bat.
But Chin preceded Honor in shaping what's at stake,
When Smirnoff's LACs chimed in, holy hell had lit the cake.
Upon that stricken list of ships melancholy sat,
There seemed but little chance of Honor getting to the bat.
But 'Keon let rip a single, raised hell in Genevieve's packs
And Alice Truman's Katanas tore the hell outta Haven's LACs.
When debris had shifted, CIC plotted what had occurred
Although plenty was left of Second, just enough was left of Third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled in the quadrant, it echoed 'Oh? Do tell.'
A prayer went thru the junction and an answer came at that,
For Honor — mighty Honor, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Honor's manner as she hypered into place;
There was purpose to Honor's bearing, and scorn on Honor's face.
And when she ignored the remnants, of Third Fleet in the realm,
No single spacer could ever doubt, 'twas Honor at the helm.
Thousands counted on her as she wiped her hands like dirt
Had settled between her fingers, but the brass gleamed on her shirt.
While the cocky Genevieve placed hands upon her hips
Defiance gleamed in Honor's eye, a sneer curled Honor's lips.
The enormous salvo shot from the massive pods she'd rolled;
Genevieve said, "No worry, they're too far out I'm told."
But then Chin contemplated 'of all the lunacy in the land,
If Third Fleet was just destroyed, then who was this at hand?'
Close by sturdy Apollo, the missiles unheeded sped –
"They're much too far to reach," said Chin, "Strike One," Honor said.
From the bridges, black with people, there went up a muffled roar;
Like the beating of the bulk-heads on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill her! Kill her Honor!" Shouted someone in the stand.
And it's likely they'd a-killed him had not Honor raised her hand.
With a smile of Tester's author'ty Honor's visage shown;
She stilled the rising tumult; She bade her ship go on.
When comprehension dawned on Chin she threw a mortal fit,
"Eighth Fleet! The Salamander! Hyper Out!" she said, "Oh shit!"
The Salamander didn't linger — turned to tactical and said
"Target that other fleet, fire sixty missiles instead.
By the time they reach them, Strike Two, Fifth will all be dead."
The sneer is gone from Honor's lips as she pounded Fifth to its fate
There's calm and cool on Manticore, no more fighting as of late.
And Tourville's confidence is shaken as Honor lets it go;
His hopes of winning another gone, from the force of Honor's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Haven came to play with gall — mighty Honor struck them out.
'Twas The Night Before Dueling
by cthia

'Twas the night before dueling and all thro' the house,
Not a creature was strirring, save Pavel the mouse,
Stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
But alarms and monitors and traps every where.
Young wasn't nestled all snug in his bed,
'Cause visions of Salamanders danced in his head.
Georgia in her 'kerchief, Stefan in his cap -
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Young soiled his pants tryin' to see what's the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Drawing the shutters, and closing the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Cast shadows of Salamanders to objects below.
It was just his old driver, so lively and quick,
He knew in a moment he was going to be sick.
When what to his frightened eyes should appear,
But Honor on HD, with her tick and a sneer.
More rapid than eagles his fears now they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"I'll Bash-her! I'll Mash-her! I'll Prance on that bitch!
On Murphy! On Angels! I'll scratch this one itch!"
To the top of the stairs! To the top of the wall!
He dashed away! dashed away! a-way from it all!
Dry heaves after the wild hurricane flew
His sickness had come, his nerves he did spew,
And then in a twinkling, he heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As he drew in his head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney a woodrat came with a bound:
Dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his fur was all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;
A bundle of joys was flung on its back,
And he started to run, from pillar to crack:
His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;
Young's little mouth was drawn like a bow,
From forehead to chin - face white as the snow;
A piece of a twig it held tight in its teeth,
In the manner of an omen, in the shape of a wreath.
Young's face was sad, with a knot in his belly,
Hysterical laughter, legs shaking like jelly:
The woodrat was chubby, a right jolly old elf,
He laugh'd when he saw him in spite of himself;
A wink of one eye and a twist of its head
Gave Pavel to know he was soon to be dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Pillaging the kitchen, and ignoring the jerk,
Then laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang on his way, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
Young heard him shout, 'ere he got out of sight -
"Merry Christmas from Honor, this will be your last night!"
"But this is not Christmas! What do you know?!"
"From Honor it comes early! Ye reap what ye sow!"
Who's Commanding First?
by cthia

Wesley Matthews has just received two brand spanking new snotties. Seymour Butts and Eatma Schit. Benjamin has just received Hugh Arai, a very special visitor from Torch.

Benjamin: "I love our new First Fleet. I promised Commander Hugh Arai here a tour. Commander Wright will accompany us. And afterwards, Iam Cox — Mistress Thorn's newly hired assistant — will serve us. Due to time constraints we will delay formal introductions until the meal. Now Wesley, Who's commanding newly created First Fleet?"

Wesley: Yu.

Benjamin: Who is?

Wesley: Yu.

Benjamin: Who is?

Wesley: No.

Benjamin: Who is the Commander of newly created First Fleet?

Wesley: Yu, sir!

Benjamin: Who?

Wesley: No, Sir.

Benjamin: Who is commanding it?

Wesley: Respectively sir, no Hugh is not.

Benjamin: Who is not?

Wesley: No Hugh is not sir.

Benjamin: Who is?

Wesley: Hugh...is...not...sir.

Protector: Who is not?

Wesley: Agreed.

Protector: Agreed what!?

Wesley: I agree that Hugh is not commanding First.

Protector: I know Hugh is not commanding First. Who is?

Wesley: Yu sir!

Protector: Admiral, have you been smoking Stilthy?

Wesley: I am not an addict sir.

Protector: I know Iam is not an adict. We just hired him! Now, CO of First, who is?

Wesley: No sir. Hugh is not.

Protector: No who is not?!

Wesley: Right.

Protector: I know commander Wright is not. Who is?

Wesley: I just told you Hugh was not.

Benjamin: I DID NOT SAY WHO WAS NOT! I SAID WHO WAS?

Wesley: Hugh was not commanding anything sir, he is simply here to deliver a message from Queen Berry.

Benjamin: I know what Hugh is doing! Who is commanding First.

Wesley: Yu!

Benjamin: I am not commanding anything.

Wesley: I know sir, Iam's just a Butler.

Benjamin: You are not a Butler, but you will be if you don't stop this nonsense!

Wesley: You can't do that sir. I am the Admiral of the Fleet! And Yu takes orders from me.

Benjamin: You are treading thin ice Wesley. I don't take orders from anyone and Iam's not an Admiral he's a Butler!

Wesley: What? Who is?

Benjamin: Who is what?

Wesley: Hugh is here as an envoy of Queen Berry.

Benjamin: I am (s)ick of this and you will be canned!

Wesley: You can't can Yu. If you can Yu. Who will command First?

Benjamin: Hugh is here to deliver a message from Berry!

Wesley: Hugh is here to deliver a message from Berry.

Benjamin: Stop parroting me Wesley!

Wesley: Protector, I am not parroting You.

Protector: I know Iam is not parroting Yu. You are parroting me.

Wesley: I am is not. Wait, I didn't hear Yu say anything.

Protector: That's frickin obvious Wesley! But if you value your career, you better start listening. Now let me try this again, with a simpler question. Think before you answer Wesley. Tell me the names of the new snotties.

Wesley: Seymour Butts, Eatma Schit.

Protector: Wesley Matthews, as soon as Honor gets here I will acquire the services of her as my Champion and by Tester's Testament, I will have you beheaded!

Wesley: But but but...

Protector: I will see your butt with a sword in it shortly.
I don't know why we have such a distaste for Cordelia Ransom. She's from a different type of royalty.

Her Royal Heinous.
Honor Harrington is spending far too much time on Grayson. Since first setting foot on that planet, she's exhibiting the signs of "heavy medals." And it's an accumulative effect.
Honor decided to rehabilitate Andrea Jaruwalski after digging much deeper into the matter. It was discovered that Jaruwalski went to great lengths trying to talk Elvis Santino into a better state of preparedness. She even redid an Old Earth Motown sound to get through to him, to no avail. A parody of Teddy Pendergrass' ...

Wake Up Everybody
by Andrea Jaruwalski

Wake up everybody, no more sleepin' in bed
No more backward thinkin' time for thinkin' ahead
The war has changed so very much from what it used to be
There is so much hatred and responsibility

Wake up all the Ensigns, time to teach a new way
Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say
They're the ones who're coming up, the Kingdom's in their hands
When you teach these Ensigns, teach 'em the very best you can
The war won't get no better
If we just let it be
The war won't get no better
We gotta change it, yeah, just you and me

Wake up all the doctors, make the old people well
They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell
But they don't have so very long before their judgment day
So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away?

Wake up all the builders, time to build a new land
I know we can do it if we all lend a hand
The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind
Surely things will work out, they do it every time
The war won't get no better
If we just let it be
The war won't get no better
We gotta change it, yeah, just you and me

https://youtu.be/uyAuATJXc14
A human and a treecat met in a bar and began discussing their marital problems.

"I'm burp here because I'm a Music Producer. My wife wants to cut a record deal but can't sing a lick... sounds like a stray cat. And she sings every phucking day!"

<I'm here because I married a Singer. I was unfaithful to her over fifty years ago... getting some stray cat. And she sings about it. Every phucking day!>
A treecat and a surgeon met in a bar — professional courtesy.

"I cut open a hundred people last month and they all lived. Perfect score."

<I cut open a hundred people last month too and they all died. Perfect score>
A Treecat, Hexapuma, Peak Bear and a Gremlin became friends after the Yawata Strike, vowing to avenge their fallen comrades should the two-legs ever reveal the face of the enemy. They vowed to live together in this unlikely band of heroes and had set up home deep in an uncharted Sphinx forest with plenty to hunt surrounded by beautiful acreages of wild celery patches.

Their friendship became deep and they often argued over who's the toughest.

"I'm the baddest mother-freakin' killer on the face o' the planet and ye all know it," roared the Hexapuma.

"Hrmmph, I'd have you for lunch and be pickin' ma teeth while starin' at Gremly over there," growled the Peak Bear.

"It's after midnite y'all, don't mess with Gremly after midnite," snarled the Gremlin.

Having said their peace they all turned to the unspoken Treecat...

<Ok then> flattening his ears. <I'd kill all of you bitches for tearing up my celery patch!>
<Hey Hexy. You Pumas really are some tough SOBs. How do you train?>

"Yea, how do you train?" Asked the Peak Bear and Gremlin.

"Well, when a Puma turns adult, we dress him up like a Marine, apply a little camouflage to his body and take him to a bar."

"Huh?," answers the crowd.

"Sooner or later this human called a Harkness always comes in. Seems like waving dress blues in front of that SOB is worst than waving red in front of a bull. You may survive the horns, but you're sure to get trampled and stomped. That's a nasty mean fucking critter! Trained many a Puma. The ones that survived the encounter anyways."
It is time to check in with our unlikely band of wanna-be heroes for an update.

<Hey, we should really make some tough names for ourselves. You know, for effect> Says the Treecat. <I will call myself DIXON, because I am going to cut a demarcating line right down the middle of each Mesan encountered. Get it? Mesan & Dixon line? >

"Well, call me MERLIN," says the Hexapuma. "I'm gonna put a hex on 'em. Now you see 'em. Now you don't."

Peak Bear :roll: "What a bunch of Pussies! Since they like the sex trade so much, call me TRIPLE X. I'm gonna get me a harem and love 'em, touch 'em, SQUEEZE 'em and caress 'em all, real good. I'm gonna hold 'em near my bosom while I vigorously shake their worlds. We're gonna cuddle while they see stars. And I'll growl so many sweet nothings while I nibble on their necks and ears that'll make their heads spin and eyes roll. I'll jump up and down so high while pounding on my chest that I'm sure they'll feel the earth move. Then, after all of this hot, rock'em sock'em foreplay, I'm gonna give us all the biggest screamin' multiple orgasms of our lives by shovin' 'em deep down my throat!"
What do you get if you cross a Mesan and a Treecat on a roof?

SOS ............................................................. Shit On a Shingle.
... ... Just in on tickle tape ... ...

Cordelia Ransom, after being turned away and laughed at at the Pearly Gates, was sent to Hell.

It seems that she has carried out a successful coup. She told the Devil "Get the Hell outta here! I'm much more qualified for this job than you! I've been a devil all of my life. You were an angel half of yours!!!"
The MAlign Bolthole is found. Everyone wants to be in on the kill. The women are assembling to do just that.

Foraker, Hemphill, Truman, Honor, Henke, Hearns, Palane, Samantha, etc. All of the women are riding shotgun on this one!

Meanwhile, history repeats itself, on a planet far far away, when those females come a-hypering in.

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnite ride of Paul Revere...


"The Bitches are coming! The Bitches are coming!"
Apparently many commoners have an inside joke about older Peers of the Realm who have developed urinary incontinence.

Pee-er of the Realm.
Some people will never learn not to play poker with a treecat.

<Humans have the sweetest little poker faces. It's like pushing baby chicks into a stream of near People>
The POV of all of the mice in Protector's Palace ...

"I'm outta here! To hell with this shit!"
The "Happiest Man in the Honorverse Award" goes to ...

[HAMISH ALEXANDER]

A pussy on his head and two in his bed.
Benjamin hasn't quite gotten the knack of communicating with his assigned 'Cat ...

"No no no, Kills For Fun, I said I wanted the Keys to keel over, not kill over!"

<You say potato. She say pototto. You say tomato. She say tomotto. You say kill. I kill. People don't mince words. People mince prey>
Revisiting our trio of unlikely warriors hellbent on revenge against an unseen Mesan enemy — a Treecat, Hexapuma and a Peak Bear.

"Hey 'Cat, what do you call a warrior with a split personality?," asks the Hexapuma.

"A Peak Bear holding both halves of its kill," says the 'Cat.
Newsflash!
Unlike Ebola, Solarian stupidity is heir borne.
Newsflash!
Solarian stupidity has just been upgraded to a weapon of mass destruction.
When is it safe to extract a Hexapuma's teeth?

After they've been broken off in yo' ass!
A descendant of Josey Wales in the Honorverse...


"Well are ya gonna pull them pulsers or whistle Beowulf?"
https://youtu.be/eQt5WPQTwN0
Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn — If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend, to ...

Beowulf Gravity Suites
We crank up the gravity. You crank up the sweets.

Operation Manual: Enter planet of origin. Gravity will automatically crank up to 1.69 that of your normal planet's gravity for 69 minutes. Then gravity will be cranked down to .69 of your planet's gravity. At that point ... jump her bones! —B. A. Wolf
A Human and a Treecat met in a bar — professional courtesy.

"Men are pigs. They want a chef in the kitchen. A maid in the living room. And a whore in bed."

<Think that's something? Try being a pussy in public. A treecat in the wild. A hexapuma in the sheets. And a bitch on all floors>
Rebellious Masadan religionists left the planet and hell bent into sowing some wild oats entered the first bar on Beowulf. Already a bit plastered the big spender began to order for himself and his friends.

"For me and the boys I'll take an Alabama Slammer, Virgin Mary, Screaming Orgasm, Blue Hawaiian, Bahama Mama, Black Russian, hmm... nothing dry. In fact I'll also take ten of the specials... the Wet Pussy. For the girls I'll take a Rob Roy, a French Connection, Three Wise Men, Harvey Wallbanger and the special.

"Forget the special," said the girls. "We have plenty of that already."

When all the drinks were delivered the guests asked "What's this?"

"The drinks you ordered."

"Drinks? We thought this was a brothel!"
What do you call a hexapuma making love?

A hex screw.
Why did Young attack Harrington in the shower?

He wanted to get on-er.
Cosmos added a new beer to the menu...

Honor's Heinie — Aged by a prolonged brewing process. Tastes like butt but kicks ass.

Very popular, seems like everyone wishes a taste of it.
Treecats are no longer allowed to play basketball on the Grayson orbitals. They were always getting into fowl trouble.
Why did Burdette really lose the duel?

He was off-key.

How did Honor gain experience as a locksmith?

She cut a Key.

After the sword duel, what did Honor leave in Burdette?

A Keyhole.

Who was the leader of the Maccabeans?

A turnkey.
When Nimitz was asked why he killed the politician...

<He rubbed me the wrong way>
What do you call a treecat's g-spot?

The cat's meow.

What do you call a treecat that has lost two lives?

Seven of Nine.
Newsflash!
Masada has just passed into law the first of women rights...

1. The right to be read the riot act.
Newsflash!
Masada has just passed into law the second of women rights...

2. The right to search and seize her.
Graphics by a forumite, Yow...

Honor Harrington met James Bond, the one surviving star from Old Earth. Their initial introduction went as expected.
"Bond. James Bond."
"Mander. Sally Mander."


Image
Bumper sticker...
Treecat— P38 Six-Shooter —Onboard
What do you call a Treecat on a laxative?

Runsforcelery.


.
Last edited by cthia on Mon May 15, 2017 12:44 am, edited 45 times in total.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:09 am

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

Meanwhile, back on Grayson.

Honor was verrry late for a compulsory meeting with the Keys and they were quite perturbed. Upon entering the room she was inundated with a barrage of their emotions. Rather irritated herself, she turned to address the crowd "Would any of you care to tell me what the problem is? I can sense your emotions, remember?"

"You are late mam. Just because you are who you are does not give you the right to hold up this meeting. And we hope you have a very good reason for your tardiness. Though we very much doubt it."

"My tardiness has to do with your own safety. I was late on your behalf."

"How so?!"

"I see that all of you took time to protect your tastes and get your coffee?"

"Are you telling us that you are late because you stopped off to get coffee?"

"No. This is cocoa. I don't drink coffee."

"Then what..."

"Nimitz hasn't had any celery in way too long. He gets as irritated as you do without your coffee. Being that he hates the majority of you, I thought it'd be a good idea to stop off to get him some. Since he has never been this long without celery, I don't know what he'll do."

After a sobering quiet, someone asked, "So did he get his celery?"

"No. The planet is still experiencing a shortage. So I stopped off to get a "lid" for my cup. I don't want your blood tainting my cocoa."

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Cthia's Greatest Holiday Hits Vol. 2
Post by cthia   » Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:20 am

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

What is a warrior treecat's motto?

The thrill of victory and the agony of the feet.
Being a coveted member of the Keys, Burdette died a solemn death of dis-member-ment.
Why haven't Thomas Caparelli and Patricia Givens ever fallen in love?

Seeing each other every day is the Pits.
There were a few parodies done of Jimi Hendrix's Hey Joe. I love Jimi Hendrix. My much older brother used to play him to death. Hendrix's Are You Experienced album was an immaculate conception of genius riffs and rhythms!

Anyways, I thought I'd try my hand at a Hey Joe parody. Be forewarned, it takes a bit of a sinister turn. It features Emily, a scorned woman with a gun — had she sought revenge, when White Haven was acting like... acting like scum... da dum dee dum dum


Hey Hoe
by cthia

Hey Hoe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand
Hey Hoe, I said where you going with that gun in your hand, oh
I'm going down to shoot my cheatin' old man
You know I caught him messin' 'round with a cancan
What?! the fool, that ain't cool
Huh? Hey Hoe, I heard you shot your husband down
You shot him down now
Hey Hoe, I heard you shot your husband down
You shot him down in the ground yeah!
Yeah!
Yes I did I shot him
You know I caught him messin' round messin' round town
Huh, yes I did I shot him
You know I caught my husband messin' 'round town
And I got me a gun
And I shot him!
Alright
Shoot him one more time again baby!
Yeah!
Oh dig it
Oh alright
Hey Hoe,
Where you gonna run to now where you gonna go
Hey Hoe, I said
Where you gonna run to now where you gonna go
I'm goin' way down south
Way down to live my way
Alright
I'm goin' way down South
Back to White Haven where I can be free
Ain't no one gonna come for me
Ain't no hang-man gonna come
He ain't gonna put a rope around me
You better believe it right now
I gotta go now I gotta go

Hey Joe
I ain't gonna be run down town
They'll never believe I can hold a gun
That I took one and then I shot him
Oh no Joe, they'll never believe I shot him
I ain't s'posed to be able to now
To be able to, to blow brains out
I said hey Joe I'm a damn fine actress now
I'll cry many tears out loud, rollin' 'round
Asking who shot my husband down
Who shot him down
Who shot him down to the ground

Say goodbye Joe, gonna shoot you down now
You gotta know, I'm tired of being called a hoe
I won't listen to it no mo
So you gotta go you gotta go too Joe
Say hello to Johnnie gun BAM! there you go
Shoulda seen it coming Joe but you kinda slow
Ain't no one gonna know
It's your gun buried in the snow
Now I'm happy, I'm gonna go
Live at White Haven, do me some blow
Oh Oh. Goodbye to y'all
Took care of my business, gotta run can't stall...
Goodbye to y'all see ya later don't call....

Now I'm whistlin' while singin'
My wheels spinnin' 'round and 'round
Spinning down on the ground
Uh huh I shot him
Won't be messin' round now
No more down town
Sick son of a bitch I GOT him!..

Now Jimmy's gonna shoot his gun
da dum da dum dum ...
...
...
...
...


In a live performance of the original...
https://youtu.be/W3JsuWz4xWc
What would you get if you crossed Xena: Warrior Princess with Honor the Salamander?

You'd get a longhaired blonde sidekick named Abigail...

Wielding a baseball bat!
13-yr-old Tierney sponsored...

Dicey ended up visiting Protector's Palace and somehow ended up on the menu of the smaller treecats.

After Benjamin discovered the horror, he gave the little miscreants a piece of his mind for which they replied...

<We are too small to take on a Hexapuma>

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?!"

<We rather be hung for a housecat than a Hexapuma>
The Grayson treecats are getting too domesticated. Three terrorists, still fuming about the Mayhew Restoration, attempted to attack Benjamin. They were met by three 'Cats, albeit in a rather unorthodox fashion.

"Why did you use a vibro blade?," Benjamin asked one of them.
<Are you kidding me Benjy. I just got my nails done!>

"And why did you use a pulser?
<I'm wearing a gown!>

"At least you used your claws. But why cut him up into little pieces?"

<I like jigsaw puzzles>
... ... Just in on tickle tape ... ... ...

A streak boat has been discovered to simply be nothing more than a specialized freighter — designed specifically for hauling ass!
Mistress Thorn has sent correspondence to Honor regarding the excessive domestication of the Grayson treecats - a continuing problem. The 'Cats are losing their identity and hunting desire.

<We're hungry. Can we have rabbit and hotdogs?>

"Not today. It is time you learn to fend for yourselves."

some time later...

"What are you doing setting that poor dog on fire!"

<You said fend for ourselves. How hot do you have to get these beasts to make hot dogs? He looks pretty damn hot to us now>
Certain members of the Keys on Grayson are visibly shaken by a particular sign made by the treecats of dragging a single claw across the throat.
I'm sorry, please do forgive me, but the insane humor of this passage is just simply and utterly not lost on me...

"Hyper footprint! We have major hyper footprints directly astern and at system north and system south," Andrea Jaruwalski reported. "Designate these forces Bogey Two, Bogey Three, and Bogey Four! They're accelerating in-system at five-point-zero-eight KPS-squared."

"Very well," Honor said calmly.

She leaned back in her command chair and crossed her legs, stroking the plushy fur between Nimitz's ears.

The woman has just been mousetrapped by Tourville but remains calm enough to just lean back, cross her legs and rub her furry pussy! She's really planning to get off on this kill.

Get your mind outta the gutter. I'm talkin' 'bout her cat!
These are the lyrics to a song, 'No Name City,' from an old classic western, Paint Your Wagon. It seems so much to capture part of the essence of Beowulf — especially in light of the looming and imminent danger — that I thought I'd share the epiphany. Only a few words of the original were changed...

The Gospel of Beowulf

You wanna see sin of the wickedest kind?
Here it is!
You wanna see virtue left behind?
Here it is!
Sodom was vice
And visa-versa
You wanna see where the vice is worser?
Here it is!
I mean, here it is!

You wanna live life in the rottenest way?
Here it is!
Women and whiskey, night and day?
Here it is!
You wanna embrace the golden calf?
Ankle, and thigh, and upper half?
Here it is!
I mean, here it is!

Beee-o-wulf
Beee-o-wulf
The Lord don't like it here

Beee-o-wulf
Beee-o-wulf
Your reckoning day is near

Beee-o-wulf
Beee-o-wulf
Here's what he's gonna do

God love this town
And swallow it down
And goodbye to you

Will you go to heaven?
Will you go to hell? [Go to hell!]
Either repent, or fare thee well [Fare thee well!]

God will take care o' some Beowulf city
Comes the end, and it won't be pretty
Here it is!
I mean, here it is!

Here it is!
I mean, here it is!

Here it is!
I mean, here it is!
Amen!

https://youtu.be/09HvF6xu4Gs
Manticore Times

The most harrowing job in the Honorverse award goes to Drivers Ed. To these guys, it's not an aircar, it's an airscar!

"Pump the breaks! PUMP THE BREEEAKS!!"

"EJECT! EJECT!! EJECT!!!"

"OMG, THERE'S A BREECH IN MY BRITCHES!"

"Oh schit... I'm excreting atmosphere."
It has been determined that a Treecat's snarl is as effective as any Manty ECM. It momentarily fries the senses just long enough for the dazzling teeth of the P-38s.
There is something else missing from storyline, but there's no classy way that this can be realistically incorporated by RFC, so perhaps it's better if he left it to be read between the lines and I'll handle it for him. But at least once, in my head at least — and that once surely would have been when Mike came over the hyper wall in New Tuscany — Byng slid to a halt on flag bridge with toilet paper coming out of his britches!

Alas, there was no real need for him to finish wipin', because Mike was gonna make sure he hadn't yet finished schittin'!
Time for another - parody of a poem - 'bout a man named Victor Cachat.

Leroy Brown was the baddest clown 'til the 'rrival of Victor Cachat...


**********Bad, Bad Victor Cachat**********
by cthia

Well the South side of Chicago
Is the baddest part at that
And if you go down there
You better just beware of a man named Victor Cachat

Now Victor, more than trouble
You see he stood about five foot four
All the downtown ladies call him bigtime Lover
All the men just call him Sir

And it's bad, bad Cachat gettin' down
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Now Victor, wasn't a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his fists around
In front of everybody's nose

He got a custom set of knuckles
He got a single shooter too
He got a pul-ser gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

And it's bad, bad Cachat gettin' down
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well, Friday 'bout a week ago
There was Victor shootin' dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Thandi and ooh, that girl looked nice

Well, he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
'Cause some old fool surely learned a lesson
'Bout messin' with a jealous man

And it's bad, bad Cachat gettin' down
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well, the two men took to fighting
And when they pulled them from the floor
The man sure looked like a jigsaw puzzle
And his ass was something sore

And it's bad, bad Cachat gettin' down
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

And it's bad, bad Cachat gettin' down
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Yeah, badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

https://youtu.be/EwPRm5UMe1A
Dumbass Manty Joke

An old, very popular inside Solarian joke on Haven sector barbarians....
A Solly construction company subcontracted work to a Manty firm to assist in building the highest High Rises ever. Upon seeing a vaguely familiar piece of equipment the Solly engineer asked...

"What is that thing?!"

"That's a crane. It assists in reaching unreachable heights," said the Manty.

"Haven't you people heard of counter-grav?"

"Of course, what do you think we use to lift the crane?"
Hexapumas are rather partial to adult deer meat. They have a recipe for it.

They call it — imminent doe mein.
An inside pun of engineers about to play with their spanners ...

Let's ratchet up the heat!
On Earth you can tell where a ship has been by its contrails.

In the Honorverse you can tell where a ship has been by its entrails.
.......................Origin of Salamander ..........................


Alfred and Allison finally sat Honor down and gave her some long overdue news.

"We're not your real parents dear. We found you in a tiny little spaceship that had crashed on our property many years ago. We opened the spaceship and found a very cuddly little baby. You dear. We noticed that you seemed to exhibit uncanny abilities as the years wore on, so we encouraged you toward the Navy to fight for "Truth, Justice and the Sphinxian Way." We also found this. It is the blanket you were wrapped in. It has an S on it. How on Earth your real parents knew you'd grow up to be the Salamander is beyond us."

"I think it stands for Sphinxian dear."

"What kind of uncanny abilities dad?"

"Tell her Alfred!"

"You were using pinnaces as pacifiers when you were an infant."

"Your eyes were leveled missile batteries."

"You could eat an entire meal faster than a speeding bullet."

"Come on honey. You couldn't really have thought that someone who eats as much as you is human, did you?"

"I suppose not."

"Anything else I should know?"

"Yes. It's funny but you always seemed to have a weakness for one particular element that begins with a K."

"What's that mom?"

"Killing."
Honor is known to tell many of the bumbling idiots that she encounters...

If you read the Art of War upside down, you may incorrectly assimilate it as the War of Art.
Four warriors secretly met on the battlefield. Victor Cachat, Nimitz, Hardy the Hexapuma and Anton Zilwicki.

"Ok, it is time we determine amongst ourselves, once and for all, who's the baddest in the land," says the treecat.

"Yes, but we'll do it in a civilized manner by secret ballot," says Anton.

After the votes were tallied -- in a unanimous decision -- there were three votes for the "Great Kaja" and one for Thandi Palane.
I bet the SLN never, in a million years, thought that it would be unleashing a Holy war when it attacked Manticore until all of the many long-legged missiles and incredible tech began to fly!

"Holy shit!"

"Holy crap!"

"Holy cow!"

"Holy smoke!"

"Holy moly!"

"Great Caesar's Holy Ghost! What the Holy hell have we gotten ourselves into!"
saber964 wrote:I was thinking more like;

Admiral- Jesus Christ that's a lot of missiles!!!
cthia wrote:And followed by, "May God help us! 'Cause Aegis surely ain't!"
saber964 wrote:Either that or there blubbering OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

and the ever popular

There are no atheists in foxholes during an artillery barrage.
The Torch Navy would have a hard time convincing anyone of its having any modicum of attachment to reality if it were to name any of its ships the TNS Torch.

It'd be like painting a bullseye on its back. It would garner more paranoia than walking under a ladder. Crew would fear it more than the old wet days of pirate ships with a female berth.

Even if it didn't render the good fight, if it burned like hell after being hit with an attack, you'd almost have to praise and reuse its designation, for living up to its namesake.
Apparently I spoke too soon. In Shadow of Saganami a freighter is named Plasma Stream? :o

"Captain, we hit her real good! RMMS Plasma Stream is streaming atmosphere and... it looks like... plasma, sir."
Farther than far into the future on a distant backwater planet...

"How does this cranky old b*tch keep taking our money? She's the shrewdest poker player I've ever seen."

"I think the old bat is cheating. Let's kick the haggard old b*tch's ass and get our money back."

<I wouldn't recommend that, she and this 'Cat of hers plays a hell of a game of squash, too>
How on Earth did Johnny's family's seed ever live to spread to the heavens?
Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Johnny was a spacer, but Johnny was a boob. For what he thought was a boarding site was a core-ejection tube.
Kolokoltsov is such an ignoramus...

I guess the League is hoist by its own retard.
As a Steadholder's daughter, Abigail Hearns stands in very good... stead. :idea:
Honor really is a genie. Rub her barely contained bottle the right way and you'll always get one of three wishes...

Live.

Die.

Abandon ship.
Why is it inadvisable to attack a well defended wormhole?

You can become lost in translation.
The war is over and Honor has made it back to Sphinx. She and Nimitz goes for a visit in the brush...

"What's in that pot that smells so good?"

<It's alphabet soup Honor? It isn't ready yet>

"I smell the celery and the rabbit. What else it need?"

<Nimitz is bringing it now. Mesan B C D...>

"What happened to A?"

<That's in that bigger pot. Supply and demand. Top of the Line>
Visiting our war mongers during the Thanksgiving holiday finds them enjoying a nice meal of a large coordinated bison-like catch. Everyone is eating all prim and proper and minding their manners (there's a feemale treecat visiting amongst them now, Dame-O-Trees, for the occasion) except the Hexapuma. He's digging right in, culture thrown right out the window. But it's the way he's crunching cartilage and all that earns him a :o

"What?! Yes, we eat the bones and all okay?! They're delicious...

Haven't you animals ever heard of bone appétit?"
"Oyster Bay sure was a success, son."

"It sure was dad. Even the Manties speak highly of it."

"They do?"

"Of course. Didn't you read what they're saying about it?"

"What did they say?"

"Ya Whatta Strike!"

" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: " " :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: "

And the galaxy echoes with laughter.
Feliz Navidad!

or in the vernacular of pirates...

Fleece Navy dad!


.
Last edited by cthia on Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:10 am, edited 5 times in total.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by Rincewind   » Mon Nov 21, 2016 8:54 pm

Rincewind
Commander

Posts: 208
Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2015 1:22 pm

What's the quickest way to cure a Solly of constipation?

Show him a Manty missile storm bearing down on him & then get out of his way.
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by Rincewind   » Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:00 pm

Rincewind
Commander

Posts: 208
Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2015 1:22 pm

How many Solarian League bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows, as it hasn't cleared the preliminary committee stage yet. And then a cost effectiveness study has to be made together with a Health & Safety Audit plus a tender has to be drawn up together with vetting of approved contractors. Once that has been completed then a Committee can be formed to discuss personnel issues...
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Cthia's Greatest Holiday Hits Vol. 3
Post by cthia   » Thu Nov 24, 2016 8:11 pm

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

A Treecat, Razors For Claws, got stranded on Old Earth and ended up in an old abandoned warehouse full of big, nasty, mean Alley Cats.

Tom Cat, the leader of some 300 mean cats and not taking too kindly to having his territory invaded or his authority challenged, gave the signal to surround this odd looking cat.

"We don't take too kindly to intruders cat. We're just gonna' have to teach you a lesson," Jugular, Tom's first officer said.

Razors For Claws took some time recognizing the archaic form of cat communication and listened for more.

Thinking the odd-looking cat's lack of communication implied disrespect, Tom gave the signal to ready an attack and the 300 cats crowded the treecat.

"You're not very smart," Tom Cat said. "There's 300 of us and we've got 9 lives. How many you got...hmmm?"

Feeling the other cats intentions, Razors For Claws readies himself.

"Hey cat!" Tom Cat meowed. "I said we all got 9 lives. How many lives you got...punk?!"

Unleashing his claws while surveying the crowd...

"About 2700 in juuuust about a minute!"
Anton Zilwiki was recently adopted by the treecat Poetic Justice. The first mission ended in disagreement.

"I've told you again and again that we are spies and our modus operandi is to extract information first, kill second," says Anton to his 'cat.

<You didn't seem to be getting any information out of him> His treecat signed in protest.

"I have also told you that you can't get blood out of a turnip!"

<But People can get blood out of a turnip's neck. Killing him second>
Reginald Houseman was adopted by the treecat Krazy Bond.

In less than a day Houseman was found with his throat slit.

Apparently the bond didn't fully stick. It was determined to be the shortest bond ever.

Nimitz later explained that the treecat's name was Krazy Bond not Krazy Glue.
Honeymoon night, little surprise Honor's first utterance after exiting the ladies room into the bedroom of a waiting Emily and Hamish...

"Let's be about it!"
Treecat Nursery Rhyme

<This little piggy went to the market>
<This little piggy stayed home>
<This little piggy sliced everyone there>
<This little piggy stayed calm>
Eloise confided in Elizabeth regarding the reason of her decision to offer an alliance.

It seems that everyone on Haven was afraid that their boogeyman, the Salamander, really was three-meters tall.

Then Victor Cachat reported back to Haven that there was a four-meter tall version on Grayson!
When asked why they always cut up their victims so badly, treecats responded...

<We always try to leave a shred of evidence!>
An arrogant Solarian reporter, having finally cornered the Salamander on HD, thought he'd take advantage of the moment to expose her undeserved reputation. 'Pick her teeth with Heavy Cruisers, indeed.' He thought.

"Admiral Harrington, I don't buy into this undeserved reputation of yours, you see. If you really are so tough, then why do you not pick your teeth with Super Dreadnaughts instead of Heavy Cruisers?"

The reporter sat back with an arrogant smirk, feeling he had put the Salamander on the spot, and seeing the nervous tick at the corner of her mouth he thought he had achieved his goal, "We're waiting for your answer, Salamander. What's wrong, treecat got your tongue?"

"Well you see sir, Super Dreadnaughts are what I pick out of my teeth."
A rash of kidnappings are taking place on Masada right during their very first Olympics. It appears that men are kidnapping the wives of other men, then stripping them naked right before each race.

Word's out that nothing's faster than a publicly naked Masadan woman running for her life.

First thing you hear before the gun to start each race is "I'm gonna get you you naked b*tch!"

The crowd is cheering "Run Forestra, run!"

There are lots of false starts though. Seems the husbands are always shootin' too!
What was the Earl of North Hollow's sons called?

Youngins.

Submitted by my now 14-yr-old niece.
Most popular treecat pickup line.

Wanna scratch my itch?
What is the most popular treecat prank?

One treecat climbs a tree.

The other calls the fire department.
What do you call a treecat that isn't paid by the hour?

Celeried.
A somewhat perturbed Treecat walks into a bar...

<I'll take a stalk of celery please>

"This is a bar. Mixed drinks only."

<Then I'll take five Bloody Marys, celery on the side. Hold the glass and keep 'em coming. Or Mary ain't gonna be the only one bloody>



My niece asked me to post my greatest hits. I was a bit reluctant. She said, "They'll be hits, Uncle."

I still doubted, so she got all of my friends behind her. Then she says, "I bet you a thousand bucks." I saw an opportunity to make some of my money back that I've lost to her over the years. My sister says, "Don't bet her. She wins every time."

After posting the first of my "Greatest Hits," they averaged over a thousand views a day for three days and still surging. I paid up today. She got me again.

Hope you all enjoy this third posting as well, in time for the holidays. On that note...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:23 pm

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

The MASADAN WOMAN'S COMPLETE Bill of RIGHTS


...err plights, simply billed as rights.


1. The right to be read the riot act.
2. The right to search and seize her.
3. The right to bear arms—legs, torso and the rest of the baby too.
4. The right to a speedy trial by hanging jury.
5. The right to be forced in quarters by soldiers, then forced and quartered by soldiers.
6. The right to remain silent in public.
7. Freedom of speech when spoken to.
8. Freedom of assembly—parts, widgets and gadgets.
9. The right to face an accuser—during firing squads.
10. Prohibits excessive bailing or running of any kind in the face of cruel and unusual punishment.
11. The right to speak while spoken to has been extended to the right to scream when beaten.
12. The right to be quartered and halfed.
13. The right to be stoned when stoned.
14. The right to excessive bailing has been finally granted—out of an aircar without a parachute.
15. The right to report the wrongdoings of another woman without reprisal—the Sneaky, Snitchy Bitch clause which is finally being sponsored by the WITSEC program.
16. The right to be sold as goods.
17. The right to be deflated in case of inflation.
18. The right to carpool—her blood may pool in a car while being severely and severly beaten.
19. The right to filibuster—to tell her husband everything she hates about him before being stoned.
20. The right to be read these rights.
What can every Masadan woman expect from her daughter after marriage?

Hate male.
..st in on tickle tape... ... ... Just in on tickle tape... ... ...

A human food has accidentally been discovered to exhibit a Viagra like effect on treecats.

Catsup.

After consuming French fries swimming in the substance, a short time later, Samantha was spotted fleeing from Nimitz, who kept tripping over his own sword!

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Cthia's Greatest Holiday Hits Encore
Post by cthia   » Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:24 pm

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

... ... HD SPECIAL BROADCAST ... ...

First airing of Stacey Hauptman's acquired column and her promise to clean up journalism.

Featured Special Guest: The promise of Nimitz signing to all who think that treecats are not a sentient species.

Stacey wonders how treecats really feel about their intelligence being questioned after all they have done. What will he say?

Nimitz half stands in the comfortable chair provided him as he faces the camera and raises one true hand palm outward as if to say hi. The live audience boos. It is a tough crowd.

He then rotates his palm to face himself and slowly lowers each extremity leaving the longest, truest universal salute!

Followed by the unsheathing of its claw and a raising of his brow.

Stacey Smiles, as she realizes exactly how treecats feel, while watching Nimitz give the audience the fInger.

Treecat sentience has never been questioned again. Especially for those that are privy to the Old Earth meaning of the gesture while gesticulating that imagery in one's head. One quickly realizes that that wouldn't be very good coitus at all. Especially with that fucking claw at the end. Oh its aptly named, but doesn't quite promise to feel like the right tool for the job. Even if you are a masochistic Beowulfan.

Stacey can only choke back laughter as she imagined her father ribbing her... "You're supposed to be cleaning up journalism dear."
Why are treecats better drinkers than humans?

Since they can't talk they can't call Ralph.
In the heat of every battle, what was Pavel Young's favorite tactic?

Flip his end. Flash his running lights and moon the navy!
Disgruntled spouses met in a bar...

"Marry a woman with an advanced degree and on red dollar days you get a bitch that thinks she knows everything."

<Marry a Memory Singer and when she's angry, you get a bitch that does know everything>
Newsflash!

Being a man of his word, Dr. Illescu traced the source of the Harrington leak back to Old Earth.

Maury Povich: "White Haven... You are the father!"
Newsflash!

Honor and White Haven caught Emily playing bumper cars with Christopher Pike. Instead of getting angry or jealous, they decided to invite Christopher back to White Haven for a little hot bedroom golf.

Since Honor and Hamish are more advanced, the other two are just gonna have to play with a handicap.
A Masadan woman's last meal before dying...

Seize her salad. Seize her cocktail.
Finally realizing that she had left Samantha out of her bag of gifts, Elizabeth gave her a pair of edible undies, spun from the finest virgin strands of celery.

<I'm a treecat Elizabeth. We don't wear undies>

"Do you want to roleplay and be eaten like an animal in the wild or not?"

< :idea: I'll take a dozen!>
What is a treecat's name for bar hopping?

Chasing cat.
What is an ugly treecat's name for bar hopping?

Chasing dog.
What does a treecat call jail bait?


Kitty cat.
What does treecats call their thugs?


Alley cats.
What do you call a treecat with a harem?

A cat of nine tails.
What do you call a treecat with dual citizenship?

A tail of two cities.
How is the Black Rock clan disaster cat-egorized?

Cat-aclysmic.
Recap...

The POV of all of the mice in Protector's Palace ...

"I'm outta here! To hell with this shit!"

"Well don't blame us Jerry. Tom was never this smart back on Old Earth."

"Or as fast!"

"It's like they know what you're thinking!"

"They're sneaky as hell to. And you can't hide from these cats, they just slice thru whatever's your shield!

" :o Like I said, I'm outta here!!!"

"You can't leave! This is a mice motel. Mice check in. But they don't check out!

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:24 pm

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

Treecat Politics

<We don't understand. Why shouldn't we vote for the Politician offering us freighters full of free celery?>

"Politicians don't deliver on their promises."

<It doesn't matter Elizabeth, we promised him that in case of a broken promise, we promise not to deliver on our promise not to slit his throat>
<Treecat bonds are legal and binding>
<Memory Singers request the right not to have to sing in court against a spouse>
Ever since the treecats have become court appointed lie detectors, justice has not been blind.

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God under pains and penalties of perjury."

<Under pains and penalties of perjury, I promise to slice him to pieces and nothing but pieces if he doesn't tell the truth, so help me God>
<I raise my right hand under oath and extend the clause to stricken him from court with one true hand if he fails to tell the truth>



Treecat Lawyer

"I object, badgering the witness."

<A treecat would never badger a witness, Your Honor. Their claws aren't sharp enough.

"Overruled."
<Your Honor, the prosecution calls to the stand that SOB in the rear who is trembling like an earthquake>
Your Honor, would you please instruct the witness to answer the question? And I instruct him to answer truthfully, under pains and penalties of perjury.
I promise that the penalty will be quick and severe, certain and rapid.
It has been determined that Memory Singers make the best court stenographers. Nothing is ever really stricken from memory. They are the quintessential "guardians of the records."
Treecat cross examinations are notorious for being both brutal and fatal.


.
Last edited by cthia on Tue Dec 20, 2016 12:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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They didn't make the cut—until now
Post by cthia   » Mon Dec 12, 2016 4:48 am

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 7614
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

With all of the advanced technology in the Honorverse, Emily still has to start her chair the old-fashioned way when the battery runs down...

Push it and pop the crutch.
Newsflash!

The mystery of male deaths by aircar is solved.
It is not spontaneous combustion.

It has been determined to be most unhealthy to piss off Siri while she's cycling.
What do you call a hexapuma that's lost two legs in battle?

A quadripumic.
What is the product of the black and white side of theology in the Honorverse?

A Gray-Son.
What is the first thing that the Masadans said after leaving Grayson and landing on Masada?

Where are my f##king keys?
Protector's Palace is responding to a recent rash of treecat advertisement pranks.

A couple of recent ads of a miscreant treecat's guaranteed weight loss procedure...

CATTY CUTS
We cut to the chase and trim the fat.
Cat E. Cuts, MD.

GASTRIC BYPASSES
A trimmer ass with lesser gas.
We cut out the middle man.

A miscreant Barber ad...

PERFECT CUTS
We take your scalp seriously.
Of course, what is Shannon Foraker's favorite Old Earth song?

"Oops, I did it again."
What did Mueller use as his defense?

Malarkey.
Who investigated the Mueller School Dome sabotage?

Key-stone Cops.
What is Honor's secret relation to Benjamin?

Key to his heart.
Why did it take so long to indict Mueller?

He remained low-key.
What is Honor's alter ego?

Benjamin's skeleton Key.
How did the Maccabeans gain access to Protector's Palace?

They used a passed Key.
Honor asked "do you want him dead or alive?" What did Benjamin whisper to her?

Kill him and throw away the key.
What was Lord Mueller's alter ego?

The Key to all evil.
What is the nickname given Honor by her subjects?

The Key to happiness and success.
What does prolong mean to Grayson?

The Key to immortality.
What would Mesa call a cloned treecat?

A copycat.
What does Harrington ask her recon teams right after they report back?

Scout's honor?
Why is Harrington such a successful bluffer?

Word of Honor.
What is Benjamin's alter ego?

The Key Master.
What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a treecat?

A treecat that's no longer hungry.
What do you call a treecat standup comic?

Pussy on a shtick.
A treecat's religion.

Catholic.
What do you call treecat phone sex?

Cat calls.
Treecat conversations

<You don't love me>

<But I do, love. I can't live without you. I swear, if you die, I'll die. You know that!>

<You're always so emotional>

<Of course you know that if you ever lie to me I'll know it>

<I'd be stupid to lie to you dear, knowing that you'll sing about it forever. And if you don't, some other Singer will gladly pick up the tune for you>
<What's your secret to a long marriage?>

<Whatever you do, don't think it>
<How do you know when you've found her g-spot?>

<That's when she really sings>
<He hasn't said it but I'm certain that her father hates me>
<Does my pregnancy make me look fat?>

<You bastard!>

<But I didn't say anything>

<You were thinking it!>

Poor treecats. What must it be like to be a male that can't lie to his girl?
In the Men's cloakroom...

"How did you talk Emily into allowing another woman into the marriage Hamish?"

"Oh it was nothing. I'm an aristocrat. She knows that we are big on tradition and we like to do everything with pride and honor. I merely told her that I wanted to play with the pride of the fleet and screw with honor."
<Where's everyone going?!>

<You didn't hear? The Two Legs found some Mesans!>

<They did?! So what's the plan?!>

<We're going to join the fraternity!>

<What fraternity?>

<The Royal Order of the Cats—DeKap an Alpha New!>

<Huh?>

<Cut their fucking heads right off!>
Meanwhile, in the War Room

"Nimitz, what is that simulation you're running on the computer?"

<Hi Pat. I'm gaming out how many Mesans I can safely kill without personal injury if I attack first>

<This attack pattern... yields a total of 21 dead every time. I think I will name it "21 Hack Jack." Now I have a canned response>

" :o "
Why have you been pacing about so much lately Ariel?"

<Lizzy, I can't wait to find the MAlign. For once in my life, I'm gonna shed my royal manners and bite off a lot more than I can chew!>
In a unanimous decision Honor Harrington is voted on to be the Mother of all genetic cocktails—just edging Elizabeth Winton out by the vote of a single finger. Go figure.

My niece is having a field day laughing her ass off. She even has my sister joining in on the fun. My sister says to me, "Your niece is threatening to sue you for taking advantage of a minor."

"What? She won the bet and I paid up."

"Yes, but she says that you bet her a thousand bucks against the posts being popular. She says that they are insanely popular and that you should reward her insanely. " :lol: "I told you not to bet her." :lol:

"Five thousand views in a month was a fair target. And it seemed really safe for me, sis."

After a thousand views a day for three days and still surging, my niece says the bet could have netted her a gold mine. "I haven't had such certain investment opportunities in a long time, mom. I could have bet him 5000 bucks for five thousand views in a week and still won. It has averaged over five thousand views per week. Over fifteen thousand total views in three weeks time. It has tripped the odometer from 184,986 starting views! And it is right at a thousand views a day after tripping the odometer Friday. Quickly approaching twenty thousand views. "I can't believe that my Uncle would take advantage of his favorite niece—sweet lil' ol' me this way." :lol:

Then my niece gets on the phone...

"Wait'll Duckk finds out that your posts broke the website!"

"What?! OMG!"

I am thrilled that you all enjoyed them. Thanks! and...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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