************Honor at the Bat*************
The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Home Fleet ships that day;
The score stood four to two with but two more fleets to play;
And then when D'Orville died up first and Kuzak did the same
A sickly silence fell on most the ships that had remain'd.
A straggling few rose up to fight but only in despair,
They knew they'd only die, in haughty grandeur there.
Clinging to their stations, hope eternal in the breast;
All we need is Sally — Mander she's our best.
They thought, if only Honor could get but a whack at that,
They'd put up even credits now, with Honor at the bat.
But Chin preceded Honor in shaping what's at stake,
When Smirnoff's LACs chimed in, holy hell had lit the cake.
Upon that stricken list of ships melancholy sat,
There seemed but little chance of Honor getting to the bat.
But 'Keon let rip a single, raised hell in Genevieve's packs
And Alice Truman's Katanas tore the hell outta Haven's LACs.
When debris had shifted, CIC plotted what had occurred
Although plenty was left of Second, just enough was left of Third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled in the quadrant, it echoed 'Oh? Do tell.'
A prayer went thru the junction and an answer came at that,
For Honor — mighty Honor, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Honor's manner as she hypered into place;
There was purpose to Honor's bearing, and scorn on Honor's face.
And when she ignored the remnants, of Third Fleet in the realm,
No single spacer could ever doubt, 'twas Honor at the helm.
Thousands counted on her as she wiped her hands like dirt
Had settled between her fingers, but the brass gleamed on her shirt.
While the cocky Genevieve placed hands upon her hips
Defiance gleamed in Honor's eye, a sneer curled Honor's lips.
The enormous salvo shot from the massive pods she'd rolled;
Genevieve said, "No worry, they're too far out I'm told."
But then Chin contemplated 'of all the lunacy in the land,
If Third Fleet was just destroyed, then who was this at hand?'
Close by sturdy Apollo, the missiles unheeded sped –
"They're much too far to reach," said Chin, "Strike One," Honor said.
From the bridges, black with people, there went up a muffled roar;
Like the beating of the bulk-heads on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill her! Kill her Honor!" Shouted someone in the stand.
And it's likely they'd a-killed him had not Honor raised her hand.
With a smile of Tester's author'ty Honor's visage shown;
She stilled the rising tumult; She bade her ship go on.
When comprehension dawned on Chin she threw a mortal fit,
"Eighth Fleet! The Salamander! Hyper Out!" she said, "Oh shit!"
The Salamander didn't linger — turned to tactical and said
"Target that other fleet, fire sixty missiles instead.
By the time they reach them, Strike Two, Fifth will all be dead."
The sneer is gone from Honor's lips as she pounded Fifth to its fate
There's calm and cool on Manticore, no more fighting as of late.
And Tourville's confidence is shaken as Honor lets it go;
His hopes of winning another gone, from the force of Honor's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Haven came to play with gall — mighty Honor struck them out.
'Twas The Night Before Dueling
'Twas the night before dueling and all thro' the house,
Not a creature was strirring, save Pavel the mouse,
Stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
But alarms and monitors and traps every where.
Young wasn't nestled all snug in his bed,
'Cause visions of Salamanders danced in his head.
Georgia in her 'kerchief, Stefan in his cap -
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Young soiled his pants tryin' to see what's the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Drawing the shutters, and closing the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Cast shadows of Salamanders to objects below.
It was just his old driver, so lively and quick,
He knew in a moment he was going to be sick.
When what to his frightened eyes should appear,
But Honor on HD, with her tick and a sneer.
More rapid than eagles his fears now they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"I'll Bash-her! I'll Mash-her! I'll Prance on that bitch!
On Murphy! On Angels! I'll scratch this one itch!"
To the top of the stairs! To the top of the wall!
He dashed away! dashed away! a-way from it all!
Dry heaves after the wild hurricane flew
His sickness had come, his nerves he did spew,
And then in a twinkling, he heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As he drew in his head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney a woodrat came with a bound:
Dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his fur was all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;
A bundle of joys was flung on its back,
And he started to run, from pillar to crack:
His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;
Young's little mouth was drawn like a bow,
From forehead to chin - face white as the snow;
A piece of a twig it held tight in its teeth,
In the manner of an omen, in the shape of a wreath.
Young's face was sad, with a knot in his belly,
Hysterical laughter, legs shaking like jelly:
The woodrat was chubby, a right jolly old elf,
He laugh'd when he saw him in spite of himself;
A wink of one eye and a twist of its head
Gave Pavel to know he was soon to be dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Pillaging the kitchen, and ignoring the jerk,
Then laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang on his way, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
Young heard him shout, 'ere he got out of sight -
"Merry Christmas from Honor, this will be your last night!"
"But this is not Christmas! What do you know?!"
"From Honor it comes early! Ye reap what ye sow!"
Who's Commanding First?
Wesley Matthews has just received two brand spanking new snotties. Seymour Butts and Eatma Schit. Benjamin has just received Hugh Arai, a very special visitor from Torch.
Benjamin: "I love our new First Fleet. I promised Commander Hugh Arai here a tour. Commander Wright will accompany us. And afterwards, Iam Cox — Mistress Thorn's newly hired assistant — will serve us. Due to time constraints we will delay formal introductions until the meal. Now Wesley, Who's commanding newly created First Fleet?"
Benjamin: Who is?
Benjamin: Who is?
Benjamin: Who is the Commander of newly created First Fleet?
Wesley: Yu, sir!
Wesley: No, Sir.
Benjamin: Who is commanding it?
Wesley: Respectively sir, no Hugh is not.
Benjamin: Who is not?
Wesley: No Hugh is not sir.
Benjamin: Who is?
Protector: Who is not?
Protector: Agreed what!?
Wesley: I agree that Hugh is not commanding First.
Protector: I know Hugh is not commanding First. Who is?
Wesley: Yu sir!
Protector: Admiral, have you been smoking Stilthy?
Wesley: I am not an addict sir.
Protector: I know Iam is not an adict. We just hired him! Now, CO of First, who is?
Wesley: No sir. Hugh is not.
Protector: No who is not?!
Protector: I know commander Wright is not. Who is?
Wesley: I just told you Hugh was not.
Benjamin: I DID NOT SAY WHO WAS NOT! I SAID WHO WAS?
Wesley: Hugh was not commanding anything sir, he is simply here to deliver a message from Queen Berry.
Benjamin: I know what Hugh is doing! Who is commanding First.
Benjamin: I am not commanding anything.
Wesley: I know sir, Iam's just a Butler.
Benjamin: You are not a Butler, but you will be if you don't stop this nonsense!
Wesley: You can't do that sir. I am the Admiral of the Fleet! And Yu takes orders from me.
Benjamin: You are treading thin ice Wesley. I don't take orders from anyone and Iam's not an Admiral he's a Butler!
Wesley: What? Who is?
Benjamin: Who is what?
Wesley: Hugh is here as an envoy of Queen Berry.
Benjamin: I am (s)ick of this and you will be canned!
Wesley: You can't can Yu. If you can Yu. Who will command First?
Benjamin: Hugh is here to deliver a message from Berry!
Wesley: Hugh is here to deliver a message from Berry.
Benjamin: Stop parroting me Wesley!
Wesley: Protector, I am not parroting You.
Protector: I know Iam is not parroting Yu. You are parroting me.
Wesley: I am is not. Wait, I didn't hear Yu say anything.
Protector: That's frickin obvious Wesley! But if you value your career, you better start listening. Now let me try this again, with a simpler question. Think before you answer Wesley. Tell me the names of the new snotties.
Wesley: Seymour Butts, Eatma Schit.
Protector: Wesley Matthews, as soon as Honor gets here I will acquire the services of her as my Champion and by Tester's Testament, I will have you beheaded!
Wesley: But but but...
Protector: I will see your butt with a sword in it shortly.
I don't know why we have such a distaste for Cordelia Ransom. She's from a different type of royalty.
Her Royal Heinous.
Honor Harrington is spending far too much time on Grayson. Since first setting foot on that planet, she's exhibiting the signs of "heavy medals." And it's an accumulative effect.
Honor decided to rehabilitate Andrea Jaruwalski after digging much deeper into the matter. It was discovered that Jaruwalski went to great lengths trying to talk Elvis Santino into a better state of preparedness. She even redid an Old Earth Motown sound to get through to him, to no avail. A parody of Teddy Pendergrass' ...
Wake Up Everybody
by Andrea Jaruwalski
Wake up everybody, no more sleepin' in bed
No more backward thinkin' time for thinkin' ahead
The war has changed so very much from what it used to be
There is so much hatred and responsibility
Wake up all the Ensigns, time to teach a new way
Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say
They're the ones who're coming up, the Kingdom's in their hands
When you teach these Ensigns, teach 'em the very best you can
The war won't get no better
If we just let it be
The war won't get no better
We gotta change it, yeah, just you and me
Wake up all the doctors, make the old people well
They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell
But they don't have so very long before their judgment day
So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away?
Wake up all the builders, time to build a new land
I know we can do it if we all lend a hand
The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind
Surely things will work out, they do it every time
The war won't get no better
If we just let it be
The war won't get no better
We gotta change it, yeah, just you and me
A human and a treecat met in a bar and began discussing their marital problems.
"I'm burp here because I'm a Music Producer. My wife wants to cut a record deal but can't sing a lick... sounds like a stray cat. And she sings every phucking day!"
<I'm here because I married a Singer. I was unfaithful to her over fifty years ago... getting some stray cat. And she sings about it. Every phucking day!>
A treecat and a surgeon met in a bar — professional courtesy.
"I cut open a hundred people last month and they all lived. Perfect score."
<I cut open a hundred people last month too and they all died. Perfect score>
A Treecat, Hexapuma, Peak Bear and a Gremlin became friends after the Yawata Strike, vowing to avenge their fallen comrades should the two-legs ever reveal the face of the enemy. They vowed to live together in this unlikely band of heroes and had set up home deep in an uncharted Sphinx forest with plenty to hunt surrounded by beautiful acreages of wild celery patches.
Their friendship became deep and they often argued over who's the toughest.
"I'm the baddest mother-freakin' killer on the face o' the planet and ye all know it," roared the Hexapuma.
"Hrmmph, I'd have you for lunch and be pickin' ma teeth while starin' at Gremly over there," growled the Peak Bear.
"It's after midnite y'all, don't mess with Gremly after midnite," snarled the Gremlin.
Having said their peace they all turned to the unspoken Treecat...
<Ok then> flattening his ears. <I'd kill all of you bitches for tearing up my celery patch!>
<Hey Hexy. You Pumas really are some tough SOBs. How do you train?>
"Yea, how do you train?" Asked the Peak Bear and Gremlin.
"Well, when a Puma turns adult, we dress him up like a Marine, apply a little camouflage to his body and take him to a bar."
"Huh?," answers the crowd.
"Sooner or later this human called a Harkness always comes in. Seems like waving dress blues in front of that SOB is worst than waving red in front of a bull. You may survive the horns, but you're sure to get trampled and stomped. That's a nasty mean fucking critter! Trained many a Puma. The ones that survived the encounter anyways."
It is time to check in with our unlikely band of wanna-be heroes for an update.
<Hey, we should really make some tough names for ourselves. You know, for effect> Says the Treecat. <I will call myself DIXON, because I am going to cut a demarcating line right down the middle of each Mesan encountered. Get it? Mesan & Dixon line? >
"Well, call me MERLIN," says the Hexapuma. "I'm gonna put a hex on 'em. Now you see 'em. Now you don't."
Peak Bear "What a bunch of Pussies! Since they like the sex trade so much, call me TRIPLE X. I'm gonna get me a harem and love 'em, touch 'em, SQUEEZE 'em and caress 'em all, real good. I'm gonna hold 'em near my bosom while I vigorously shake their worlds. We're gonna cuddle while they see stars. And I'll growl so many sweet nothings while I nibble on their necks and ears that'll make their heads spin and eyes roll. I'll jump up and down so high while pounding on my chest that I'm sure they'll feel the earth move. Then, after all of this hot, rock'em sock'em foreplay, I'm gonna give us all the biggest screamin' multiple orgasms of our lives by shovin' 'em deep down my throat!"
What do you get if you cross a Mesan and a Treecat on a roof?
SOS ............................................................. Shit On a Shingle.
... ... Just in on tickle tape ... ...
Cordelia Ransom, after being turned away and laughed at at the Pearly Gates, was sent to Hell.
It seems that she has carried out a successful coup. She told the Devil "Get the Hell outta here! I'm much more qualified for this job than you! I've been a devil all of my life. You were an angel half of yours!!!"
The MAlign Bolthole is found. Everyone wants to be in on the kill. The women are assembling to do just that.
Foraker, Hemphill, Truman, Honor, Henke, Hearns, Palane, Samantha, etc. All of the women are riding shotgun on this one!
Meanwhile, history repeats itself, on a planet far far away, when those females come a-hypering in.
Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnite ride of Paul Revere...
"The Bitches are coming! The Bitches are coming!"
Apparently many commoners have an inside joke about older Peers of the Realm who have developed urinary incontinence.
Pee-er of the Realm.
Some people will never learn not to play poker with a treecat.
<Humans have the sweetest little poker faces. It's like pushing baby chicks into a stream of near People>
The POV of all of the mice in Protector's Palace ...
"I'm outta here! To hell with this shit!"
The "Happiest Man in the Honorverse Award" goes to ...
A pussy on his head and two in his bed.
Benjamin hasn't quite gotten the knack of communicating with his assigned 'Cat ...
"No no no, Kills For Fun, I said I wanted the Keys to keel over, not kill over!"
<You say potato. She say pototto. You say tomato. She say tomotto. You say kill. I kill. People don't mince words. People mince prey>
Revisiting our trio of unlikely warriors hellbent on revenge against an unseen Mesan enemy — a Treecat, Hexapuma and a Peak Bear.
"Hey 'Cat, what do you call a warrior with a split personality?," asks the Hexapuma.
"A Peak Bear holding both halves of its kill," says the 'Cat.
Unlike Ebola, Solarian stupidity is heir borne.
Solarian stupidity has just been upgraded to a weapon of mass destruction.
When is it safe to extract a Hexapuma's teeth?
After they've been broken off in yo' ass!
A descendant of Josey Wales in the Honorverse...
"Well are ya gonna pull them pulsers or whistle Beowulf?"
Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn — If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend, to ...
Beowulf Gravity Suites
We crank up the gravity. You crank up the sweets.
Operation Manual: Enter planet of origin. Gravity will automatically crank up to 1.69 that of your normal planet's gravity for 69 minutes. Then gravity will be cranked down to .69 of your planet's gravity. At that point ... jump her bones! —Be-A-Wolf
A Human and a Treecat met in a bar — professional courtesy.
"Men are pigs. They want a chef in the kitchen. A maid in the living room. And a whore in bed."
<Think that's something? Try being a pussy in public. A treecat in the wild. A hexapuma in the sheets. And a bitch on all floors>
Rebellious Masadan religionists left the planet and hell bent into sowing some wild oats entered the first bar on Beowulf. Already a bit plastered the big spender began to order for himself and his friends.
"For me and the boys I'll take an Alabama Slammer, Virgin Mary, Screaming Orgasm, Blue Hawaiian, Bahama Mama, Black Russian, hmm... nothing dry. In fact I'll also take ten of the specials... the Wet Pussy. For the girls I'll take a Rob Roy, a French Connection, Three Wise Men, Harvey Wallbanger and the special.
"Forget the special," said the girls. "We have plenty of that already."
When all the drinks were delivered the guests asked "What's this?"
"The drinks you ordered."
"Drinks? We thought this was a brothel!"
What do you call a hexapuma making love?
A hex screw.
Why did Young attack Harrington in the shower?
He wanted to get on-er.
Cosmos added a new beer to the menu...
Honor's Heinie — Aged by a prolonged brewing process. Tastes like butt but kicks ass.
Very popular, seems like everyone wishes a taste of it.
Treecats are no longer allowed to play basketball on the Grayson orbitals. They were always getting into fowl trouble.
Why did Burdette really lose the duel?
He was off-key.
How did Honor gain experience as a locksmith?
She cut a Key.
After the sword duel, what did Honor leave in Burdette?
Who was the leader of the Maccabeans?
When Nimitz was asked why he killed the politician...
<He rubbed me the wrong way>
What do you call a treecat's g-spot?
The cat's meow.
What do you call a treecat that has lost two lives?
Seven of Nine.
Masada has just passed into law the first of women rights...
1. The right to be read the riot act.
Masada has just passed into law the second of women rights...
2. The right to search and seize her.
Graphics by a forumite, Yow...
Honor Harrington met James Bond, the one surviving star from Old Earth. Their initial introduction went as expected."Bond. James Bond."
"Mander. Sally Mander."
Treecat— P38 Six-Shooter —Onboard
What do you call a Treecat on a laxative?