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Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

Join us in talking discussing all things Honor, including (but not limited to) tactics, favorite characters, and book discussions.
They didn't make the cut—until now
Post by cthia   » Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:48 am

cthia
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Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

With all of the advanced technology in the Honorverse, Emily still has to start her chair the old-fashioned way when the battery runs down...

Push it and pop the crutch.
Newsflash!

The mystery of male deaths by aircar is solved.
It is not spontaneous combustion.

It has been determined to be most unhealthy to piss off Siri while she's cycling.
What do you call a hexapuma that's lost two legs in battle?

A quadripumic.
What is the product of the black and white side of theology in the Honorverse?

A Gray-Son.
What is the first thing that the Masadans said after leaving Grayson and landing on Masada?

Where are my f##king keys?
Protector's Palace is responding to a recent rash of treecat advertisement pranks.

A couple of recent ads of a miscreant treecat's guaranteed weight loss procedure...

CATTY CUTS
We cut to the chase and trim the fat.
Cat E. Cuts, MD.

GASTRIC BYPASSES
A trimmer ass with lesser gas.
We cut out the middle man.

A miscreant Barber ad...

PERFECT CUTS
We take your scalp seriously.
Of course, what is Shannon Foraker's favorite Old Earth song?

"Oops, I did it again."
What did Mueller use as his defense?

Malarkey.
Who investigated the Mueller School Dome sabotage?

Key-stone Cops.
What is Honor's secret relation to Benjamin?

Key to his heart.
Why did it take so long to indict Mueller?

He remained low-key.
What is Honor's alter ego?

Benjamin's skeleton Key.
How did the Maccabeans gain access to Protector's Palace?

They used a passed Key.
Honor asked "do you want him dead or alive?" What did Benjamin whisper to her?

Kill him and throw away the key.
What was Lord Mueller's alter ego?

The Key to all evil.
What is the nickname given Honor by her subjects?

The Key to happiness and success.
What does prolong mean to Grayson?

The Key to immortality.
What would Mesa call a cloned treecat?

A copycat.
What does Harrington ask her recon teams right after they report back?

Scout's honor?
Why is Harrington such a successful bluffer?

Word of Honor.
What is Benjamin's alter ego?

The Key Master.
What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a treecat?

A treecat that's no longer hungry.
What do you call a treecat standup comic?

Pussy on a shtick.
A treecat's religion.

Catholic.
What do you call treecat phone sex?

Cat calls.
Treecat conversations

<You don't love me>

<But I do, love. I can't live without you. I swear, if you die, I'll die. You know that!>

<You're always so emotional>

<Of course you know that if you ever lie to me I'll know it>

<I'd be stupid to lie to you dear, knowing that you'll sing about it forever. And if you don't, some other Singer will gladly pick up the tune for you>
<What's your secret to a long marriage?>

<Whatever you do, don't think it>
<How do you know when you've found her g-spot?>

<That's when she really sings>
<He hasn't said it but I'm certain that her father hates me>
<Does my pregnancy make me look fat?>

<You bastard!>

<But I didn't say anything>

<You were thinking it!>

Poor treecats. What must it be like to be a male that can't lie to his girl?
In the Men's cloakroom...

"How did you talk Emily into allowing another woman into the marriage Hamish?"

"Oh it was nothing. I'm an aristocrat. She knows that we are big on tradition and we like to do everything with pride and honor. I merely told her that I wanted to play with the pride of the fleet and screw with honor."
<Where's everyone going?!>

<You didn't hear? The Two Legs found some Mesans!>

<They did?! So what's the plan?!>

<We're going to join the fraternity!>

<What fraternity?>

<The Royal Order of the Cats—DeKap an Alpha New!>

<Huh?>

<Cut their fucking heads right off!>
Meanwhile, in the War Room

"Nimitz, what is that simulation you're running on the computer?"

<Hi Pat. I'm gaming out how many Mesans I can safely kill without personal injury if I attack first>

<This attack pattern... yields a total of 21 dead every time. I think I will name it "21 Hack Jack." Now I have a canned response>

" :o "
Why have you been pacing about so much lately Ariel?"

<Lizzy, I can't wait to find the MAlign. For once in my life, I'm gonna shed my royal manners and bite off a lot more than I can chew!>
In a unanimous decision Honor Harrington is voted on to be the Mother of all genetic cocktails—just edging Elizabeth Winton out by the vote of a single finger. Go figure.

My niece is having a field day laughing her ass off. She even has my sister joining in on the fun. My sister says to me, "Your niece is threatening to sue you for taking advantage of a minor."

"What? She won the bet and I paid up."

"Yes, but she says that you bet her a thousand bucks against the posts being popular. She says that they are insanely popular and that you should reward her insanely. " :lol: "I told you not to bet her." :lol:

"Five thousand views in a month was a fair target. And it seemed really safe for me, sis."

After a thousand views a day for three days and still surging, my niece says the bet could have netted her a gold mine. "I haven't had such certain investment opportunities in a long time, mom. I could have bet him 5000 bucks for five thousand views in a week and still won. It has averaged over five thousand views per week. Over fifteen thousand total views in three weeks time. It has tripped the odometer from 184,986 starting views! And it is right at a thousand views a day after tripping the odometer Friday. Quickly approaching twenty thousand views. "I can't believe that my Uncle would take advantage of his favorite niece—sweet lil' ol' me this way." :lol:

Then my niece gets on the phone...

"Wait'll Duckk finds out that your posts broke the website!"

"What?! OMG!"

I am thrilled that you all enjoyed them. Thanks! and...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by pokermind   » Sat Dec 17, 2016 11:11 am

pokermind
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Posts: 4002
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:58 am
Location: Jerome, Idaho, USA

Genkis' latest cover art for "The service of the sword"

Image

Poker
CPO Poker Mind Image and, Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat.

"Better to be hung for a hexapuma than a housecat," Com. Pang Yau-pau, ART.
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by Louis R   » Sat Dec 17, 2016 12:29 pm

Louis R
Rear Admiral

Posts: 1187
Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2015 8:25 pm

Now there's a cover that tells the story!

And an artist who knows his market - that book would probably gobble all the way to the remainder bin in North America, but should do well in France.

And before anybody asks, yes, Abigail was wearing Grayson service dress during that fight, although I'm fairly sure she had a parka and light body armour over it.


pokermind wrote:Genkis' latest cover art for "The service of the sword"

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/ ... e=58F021C6
Poker
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Mon Dec 26, 2016 7:11 am

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

My niece sees ramifications with this one that I failed to see. She has the eye...
Ever since the treecats have become court appointed lie detectors, justice has not been blind.

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God under pains and penalties of perjury."

<Under pains and penalties of perjury, I promise to slice him to pieces and nothing but pieces if he doesn't tell the truth, so help me God>

"Uncle, this could turn out to literally bite someone in the ass later on." (Her laughter regarding this issue was infectious.)

"If someone escaped without being completely truthful and was brought back in court on a completely unrelated charge, their lies could catch up with them. They could be killed by penalties of perjury by simply being a witness in another unrelated case. IOW, the penalties of perjury follows one in all the days of their lives. That unrelated case could be a simple traffic case.

All of the court records are meticulously maintained by Memory Singers and recorded for "posterity of posterior." There is no statute of limitations on the penalties of perjury.

<Just a minute. Fifty three years ago, you testified that... >

< (My niece simulates an earpiercing war cry) > :lol:

She is a riot herself.



For all who may be interested...

My niece came down on Christmas Day. Well of course, she had a fortune in gifts to collect from under my tree. I asked her how she knew that my Greatest Hits would be so popular, finally petering out at around 40,000 views.

Paraphrasing...

'Remember my laser printer? I made a book cover for one of my school books out of the glossy stock I bought. I was able to print two columns of your posts on the front and back cover. Forty eight total. I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria and left to get some condiments. When I returned there was a riot of laughter amongst my friends who were passing my book around. It remained popular for two weeks. People are still asking for my book. Commandeering it at times. They all want copies but I refuse. The reason I did it in the first place was to prevent my book from being confused with anyone else's, which had happened a few times. Reproducing it for them would negate the purpose. At times they are holding my book hostage, I may have to succumb.'

:lol:

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:08 pm

cthia
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Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

Archaeologists have determined that there is not much difference between Pandora's box and Anisimovna's briefcase.

One renown archaeologist has even suggested that Anisimovna's briefcase belongs inside of Pandora's box.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Thu Jan 12, 2017 4:25 pm

cthia
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Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

When White Haven finally got a chance to stare at Honor after her return from Cerberus with a missing arm, the loss of an eye and in such bad overall shape, what did Honor obviously say to him?

"You should see the other navy."

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Sun Jan 22, 2017 7:56 am

cthia
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Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

"Nimitz, if you keep gorging yourself on celery you're going to get diarrhea again!"

<Not my problem, again. I sit atop your head. Shit rolls downhill>

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by saber964   » Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:31 pm

saber964
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Posts: 2395
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Location: Spokane WA USA

cthia wrote:"Nimitz, if you keep gorging yourself on celery you're going to get diarrhea again!"

<Not my problem, again. I sit atop your head. Shit rolls downhill>



Slight problem too much celery causes constipation. So it plugs them up not cleans them out.
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by cthia   » Sun Jan 22, 2017 2:00 pm

cthia
Fleet Admiral

Posts: 12896
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:10 pm

saber964 wrote:
cthia wrote:"Nimitz, if you keep gorging yourself on celery you're going to get diarrhea again!"

<Not my problem, again. I sit atop your head. Shit rolls downhill>



Slight problem too much celery causes constipation. So it plugs them up not cleans them out.

You're right on point saber. But my niece beat you to it.

"Uncle, too much celery causes constipation. Nimitz' body cannot digest it."

"I know. But what happens when you get constipation?"

"Mom gives me Metamucil and... oh shit, I mean shucks! Ok ok!"

"You have it far better than your mother did. Your grandmother gave us cod liver oil and when the effect hit you, there was a mad dash for the bathroom. And you better have your pants down by the time you got there. If you made it."

" :lol: "

Metamucil is suggested for our pets as well.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.
Post by ncwolf   » Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:29 pm

ncwolf
Commander

Posts: 153
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2009 3:49 pm

Hey, Did you hear the conversation between two mosquitos on Torch? It seems these two mosquitos were dragging off an unfortunate soul between them. One turned to his partner and asked, "Should we eat him here or carry him back to the swamp?"
"Let's eat him here. If we carry him back, one of the big ones will take him away from us."
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